Learning to let go

Personally, letting go is something I find very hard. When I’ve invested my time and energy into someone or something and it just doesn’t work out, letting go is actually the last thing I’de want to do. Admittedly, I am a very bitter person. I will hold the grudge until my ears fall off and, of course, this has never been a good thing.

Checking yourself is a big step to personal growth. Psychologists say that if you can be quiet during a trying time to ask yourself – why am I feeling this way?  where do these emotions stem  from? am I acting rationally? – you will start to have more control over your emotions. When you question yourself in that way, you will become more aware of when you’re crossing the line. This is actually something I have yet to teach myself.

Over the past couple of years, I have learnt that it is in my nature to get too attached to things/people. I fixate. I talk about the same negative crap over and over and allow myself to get riled up and go into dark place. Here are some realizations I’ve had in my search for inner-peace:

  1. People are not yours to change


    You aren’t allowed to look into someones life and judge them based on how they deal with obstacles. Although you may feel like what another person is doing is wrong, all you can do is advise, advise and advise some more while showing that you care. People are going through their own struggles, and the last thing they need is for you to be breathing down their neck about what not to do. I feel like a lot of us are trying to control people and internalize their mistakes. Mistakes are meant to be made, and if you’ve told Josephyn her man is a hoe and she’s blind about it… don’t even get angry. Some people need to fall hard on the face before realizing the truth. LET. IT. GO.

  2. Friends come and go


    Although it is nice to have a few great friends who always have your back, just realize that the dynamics of your friendship are always changing as you all go through the different stages of your lives. You’re not always going to gel. You’re going to grow apart. You’re going to grow in general. Sometimes, there will be a friend in your clique who might be hindering your growth. You may feel like they’re always trying to hold you back in the same stagnant lifestyle you had years back – they say “you’ve changed”, as if changing is the worst thing that could happen. If your friend can’t be genuinely happy about the changes you’re making to yourself and YOU know that those changes are for the best, then it might be easier for you both if you just let go of that friendship. You will be okay 🙂 I promise.

  3. Let go of negative thoughts


    It is very easy to play the victim and feel sorry for yourself. If you’re always negative and thinking the worst in every situation, you’re hardly ever going to appreciate what’s good in your life. Maybe you have a friend who loves you.Maybe you finally got yourself out of the funk you were in for so long. Maybe you’re just having a great hair-day. It’s these small victories which add up and really contribute to your attitude. When you tell yourself you’re a winner and you deserve to win, its easier to keep your chin up and be hopeful.

  4. Sometimes you ARE the problem


    This is probably the biggest thing I’ve ever had to admit to myself. It’s really hard for me to see past my ego and I hate hearing that I was in the wrong. Especially in an argument where someone is questioning my values. When you’re an honest person, you think that your honesty compensates for all the bad things you may have done/said to another person. For example, you might not be someone who gossips but you may generally have bad opinions of others and you’re not afraid to tell them even if it hurts them. This is not cool. You may come across as a hard ass, but being hurtful is never good. I’ve learnt this through a lot of self-reflection. I really thought about the type of person I am, and the person I want to be, and am striving towards those goals. Yay me!

  5. Life is short


    I think it is very important to have respect for and appreciate the simple things in life. Your life could end at any moment. Do you really want to spend your time on Earth being mad because Shamiema at work said you have a cameltoe? Some of us won’t even be so lucky as to live to see 60, and the sooner you realize that, the easier letting go of toxic thoughts, people and bullshit will become. hashtagmorbidbuttrue.

STEP ONE is to always look inside of yourself. Own your cameltoe booboo.

nayy x ❤

Caring for High-Porosity Hair. No Lye

So its summer in Cape Town, the sun is blazing, you did the porosity test and your hair sinks in the water. Yes, you have high porosity hair. After hours of crying, and contemplating the Lye, you realize you have to just work with what you have because you know you look ten times worse with that relaxer.

Figuring out how to deal with my high porosity hair has always been an issue. Even as I’m writing this post, my hair is looking thirsty and crusty and just not sexy. Summer has not been good to my hair at all. But after some research (google, lol) I’m ready to finally invest in actually learning about what is good for my hair type.

Firstly, if you have high porosity hair you will notice that your hair gets too dry too quickly on those hot/dry days, and on those humid days it won’t even hold a blow-out. This is because your hair cuticles are raised and damaged and they basically don’t give a damn. Your hair loses too much moisture but also retains too much moisture. How does that make sense? At this point you should realize that you can’t be helped and you should probably just take to the relaxer.

Just kidding. 🙂 ♡

Your hair is damaged either because of high-manipulation, too much heat or not using the proper products to lock in that moisture and goodness. Our hair type is way too dramatic for us to be trying the most. Right now we need to sit our clue-less selves down to devise a plan and that’s okay booboo… google is our friend and we gon’ learn today:

  1. Deep conditioning


It’s important for the high-porosity haired ladies and gents to deep condition after most -if not every- wash. This is to restore the hair’s elasticity and moisture. I’ve been using the Aunt Jackie’s Flaxseed Recipe- Intensive Repair Conditioning Masque. Its for all curly/coily/kinky hair textures (i.e. 2a-4d) and contains ingredients that our hair just LOVE (water, shea butter, mango butter, flax seed oil and the whole sha-bang). This was R128 for about 450 ml at Clicks – which hurt me. I don’t wanna talk about it.

Aunt Jackie’s Deep Intensive Repair Conditioning Masque: Apply a generous amount all over clean, damp hair. Cover with plastic cap. Apply heat (eg. warm hooded dryer) for 10mins. Rinse well.

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I prefer a hot oil treatment for the DIY deep conditioning treatments using extra virgin coconut oil. Coconut oil contains all those essential fatty acids and vitamins we need to have healthy hair. It will leave your hair feeling soft and moisturized. I’ve recently used the Lemcke Refined Coconut Oil but unrefined/organic is always better than refined because it is more pure and no bleaching was put into removing the odour and colour. This was R49.00 for a 250 ml at Pick n Pay

Hot oil treatment: 1/4 cup warmed extra virgin coconut oil on dry or wet hair, cover with plastic bag or wrap it up to lock in the heat. Shampoo with sulphate-free shampoo or co-wash.

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  1. Apple Cider Vinegar (ACV)


We all know that using sulphate-shampoos on your hair strips your hair of all those natural oils. I don’t have to tell you twice. If you’re going to continuously use shampoo, your poor hair is going to continue giving you grief. It’s going to dry up, single-strand knot, break off and just be impossible to deal with. Listen to your hair. I find that ACV is a fantastic alternative to shampoos. Its cost effective, cleansing, clarifying, it balances pH levels, has antibacterial/anti-fungal/antidandruff properties and it even helps flatten your cuticles so that your hair shaft loses less moisture. Oh, and it adds shine! Whats not to love about this product. I use the Nature’s Choice ACV from Clicks/PnP and I think it’s just around R22.00 for 500ml.

ACV rinse: 4 tablespoons of ACV with about 200ml of water. Massage your scalp with the pads of your fingers. Rinse well. You’re done. 

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  1. Liquid-Oil-Cream (LOC)


The LOC method is the holy grail for upkeep of those coils. Some people use leave-in conditioner as the L in the LOC, but I just use water because unfortunately I don’t have a trust fund. 🙂 So you’ll sprits the water on your hair… making sure that everything is nice and moist and then you willl use the oil and cream of your choice. For high-porosity hair it is recommended that Castor or Olive oil be used because it creates a greater barrier for water to be lost. For cream I was using Aunt Jackie’s Curl La La Curl Defining Custard which was also a bit expensive from Clicks (R86.00). Clicks never loved us. 😦

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  1. Low-Heat Protective Styling


I know people are bored of hearing about protective styling but I just want you to know that if you’re looking to see length, you’re going to have to protect your ends.  Co-washing and sealing is a good way of making sure they’re nice and moisturized but what’s the point when they’re out in the sun all day. Your ends are the oldest parts of your hair and they’re gonna break when you’re always exposing them. Have mercy on your strands.

 

 

Be extra careful when doing styles on your high-porosity hair. Don’t be scared to tell those ladies at the salon not to pull too tight – coz at the end of the day, you’ll be sitting with damaged hair, and they’ll be sitting with your money.

Anyway, don’t forget to trim those ends and remember that silky/straight haired girls have problems too.

xoxo Gossip gir… just kidding

-Nay.

What I’ve learnt about gaslighting.

What is gaslighting? Lemme tell you… its a messed up thing. Gaslighting is when someone manipulates you into thinking you’re always wrong. Gaslighters get into your head and make you question yourself and your entire sense of being.

What I’ve learnt about gaslighters so far:

  • they hardly ever own up to what they did/said
  • they’re always looking for sympathy from people on the outside
  • they will tell other people you are crazy so that when you tell people about their abuse, shit just doesn’t check out.
  • they use your insecurities as a way to manipulate you
  • they always question your memories, for example scrutinizing the way you give your account of what happened and then asking many questions which send you in circles and or/confuse you- you begin to think that you’re delusional
  • they are constantly putting you down, indirectly or directly

What I’ve learnt about gaslightees so far:

  • “i was never like this… i used to be strong/confident etc”
  • they lack trust in themselves and their own decision making ability
  • they apologize more than they should
  • they overthink
  • they feel like they’re not good enough
  • they have trouble being around other people because they think they are inadequate and that people will notice
  • they are unhappy and don’t know why
  • they are, more often than not, very dependent on their gaslighter- be it financially or emotionally, they always turn to their gaslighter for answers.

Experts say that most gaslighters will gaslight their victims intentionally. However, even being unaware of their gaslighting does not make it acceptable because it could still, obviously, be very damaging to their victims. If you are in a relationship where you feel like you are being gaslighted, get out or seek help. Its THAT serious.

More on gaslighting: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/gaslighting-know-it-and-identify-it-protect-yourself

Kinks/Coils and hair from hell.

So this blog is about my type 4 natural hair and what I do for upkeep, what I’ve learnt so far from other naturalistas and how I keep myself from ripping it out of my skull because you guys know that this hair is rude.

Now, some people are already at the point in their natural hair journeys where they’re totally in-love with their natural hair –dont get me wrong, natural hair is really beautiful – but lately I’ve been feeling like taking care of this hair is a job. And I don’t know how you guys feel… but I like to get paid for my job so this shit is making me bitter.

More about my texture; I’ve got tighter curls at the crown (4c I guess) and 4b curls around the parameters of my head. High porosity, cotton-wool like, fluffy, dry and emotionally draining. I am currently growing out a tapered cut which I LOOOOVED. Extremely happy to have some length back because now I get to do those easy hairstyles i.e. high-puff, space buns (two of my favourites).

I am not here to sell you dreams about natural hair. I have been natural for about 5 years and I am still learning to love my hair. I’m only going to speak from experience. What works for my hair might not work for yours. So don’t go telling your auntie that nappynayy said this, that and the other and now your hair is falling out. Haha.

Anyway, don’t forget to trim your ends. x