I’ve been taking time away from people and social media. I told myself that after the exams I’de be hibernating for a whole month. I ultimately wanted to keep my phone off for the entire day, and then get back on at night and see whats been happening during the day. But as you can imagine, after deleting my Facebook and Instagram, not much was happening on my phone. I’de switch the device back on and see a message from the work group like “Nadine, where is your count sheet from yesterday, we are down one Dermalogica product.?”. I’de roll my eyes, and then switch my phone back off again. I love my job.
Taking time away from social media was so boring. I spent all my time on YouTube (does this qualify as social media, ahem.?) learning about DIY face masks and how to make sexy dashiki summer dresses. I also spent a lot of time googling “How isolation can kill you” and man were those articles dramatic.
On a deeper note, for the past few months I’ve been depressed. I’ve been feeling totally worthless and have been pitying myself so much. Relationships were falling apart and people were just so unreliable. Everything was different. Cake didn’t taste the same. Love didn’t feel the same. My self-esteem was on level negative one hundred. I felt tired of people who I thought were my friends and just felt like my support system was one or two good friends, which should be enough but (okay now I just sound ungrateful…shout out to the one or two friends, you know who you are), I guess I just wanted to see if anyone would notice my sadness 😀 . *gasp* Nadine, you attention seeking cow.! Lol. I’ve always had many friends, things obviously change and when you test people you get the answers you don’t want. Nobody notices. Nobody cares because everyone has a life. It’s true. I’ve honestly had so many meaningless encounters with people it frankly makes me angry. All the minutes I can never get back. All the time trying to solve other peoples problems. Lol, I’m so done. I should have listened to my mother. I feel like this caring-what-people-think and how-many-friends-are-really-my-friends thing is not a problem for a me to be having at this point of my life. This is some teenage/pre-pubescent shit. Which is why I. SAY. ENOUGH.! *dun dun duuuun* After my very zen and well thought-out post “Learning to let go” I can honestly say I have done enough trying to keep my shit together and I am altogether done with bullshit. 🙂 Yas.
Not that anybody should care but I’m back on social media. Quitting social media did nothing for me because its not like I was going out and being my best self. I was too depressed. Atleast now I will try find fun and interesting ways to enjoy my holiday. Plus, I think doing things alone makes a lot more sense, because: 1) you don’t have to wait for people to get ready 2) you don’t have to worry if your friends are getting along 3) you can come and go as you please. So I think this makes for a suitable new venture. I guess I’ll see how far it takes me and if I’m really as strong as I think I am. I’ll be going out, meeting people, hearing stories and the best part; I won’t have to convince anyone to go out with me because I can go out with my damn SELF.! That makes me happy. *sigh, now I sound like a loner but who cares about what anybody cares about these days. I know being alone is not healthy for someone whose depro but I’ve depended on too many people for happiness and those moments were always so short-lived. I’de rather have short lived moments of happiness with strangers than expect too much from people who can’t provide. *preach
I think I’ve realized that people are always looking to laugh. They want to laugh at your misfortunes and bad hair. Laugh at how you just didn’t make the cut. I used to be someone who loves to overshare (doing it right now, hashtagrelapse). I used to think that if I told people sad or embarrassing things about myself, they would feel like I am an open book and like they can confide in me and feel more comfortable. HA.! I’ve learnt my lesson. I was basically walking around handing out ammunition for people to use against me in an argument or to knock me back down with when I’m ALREADY…so clearly and obviously down. I can say I’ve changed a lot over the past few months. My new motto is: shut up. The more you tell them, the more you give them to talk about when you’re not there, fool.! My other new motto is: this the intro…. another one.
life is bigger than what people have to offer. people only give you what they do not need. why settle for that.? The best a lot of people have to give you is “oh shame, you know… when life gives you lemons…” and then deep down they’re like YAS BEETCH… DIIIIE. Don’t be play yourself… fuck your sad face and make the damn lemonade.
until next time, nay x