Learning to let go

Personally, letting go is something I find very hard. When I’ve invested my time and energy into someone or something and it just doesn’t work out, letting go is actually the last thing I’de want to do. Admittedly, I am a very bitter person. I will hold the grudge until my ears fall off and, of course, this has never been a good thing.

Checking yourself is a big step to personal growth. Psychologists say that if you can be quiet during a trying time to ask yourself – why am I feeling this way?  where do these emotions stem  from? am I acting rationally? – you will start to have more control over your emotions. When you question yourself in that way, you will become more aware of when you’re crossing the line. This is actually something I have yet to teach myself.

Over the past couple of years, I have learnt that it is in my nature to get too attached to things/people. I fixate. I talk about the same negative crap over and over and allow myself to get riled up and go into dark place. Here are some realizations I’ve had in my search for inner-peace:

  1. People are not yours to change

    You aren’t allowed to look into someones life and judge them based on how they deal with obstacles. Although you may feel like what another person is doing is wrong, all you can do is advise, advise and advise some more while showing that you care. People are going through their own struggles, and the last thing they need is for you to be breathing down their neck about what not to do. I feel like a lot of us are trying to control people and internalize their mistakes. Mistakes are meant to be made, and if you’ve told Josephyn her man is a hoe and she’s blind about it… don’t even get angry. Some people need to fall hard on the face before realizing the truth. LET. IT. GO.

  2. Friends come and go

    Although it is nice to have a few great friends who always have your back, just realize that the dynamics of your friendship are always changing as you all go through the different stages of your lives. You’re not always going to gel. You’re going to grow apart. You’re going to grow in general. Sometimes, there will be a friend in your clique who might be hindering your growth. You may feel like they’re always trying to hold you back in the same stagnant lifestyle you had years back – they say “you’ve changed”, as if changing is the worst thing that could happen. If your friend can’t be genuinely happy about the changes you’re making to yourself and YOU know that those changes are for the best, then it might be easier for you both if you just let go of that friendship. You will be okay 🙂 I promise.

  3. Let go of negative thoughts

    It is very easy to play the victim and feel sorry for yourself. If you’re always negative and thinking the worst in every situation, you’re hardly ever going to appreciate what’s good in your life. Maybe you have a friend who loves you.Maybe you finally got yourself out of the funk you were in for so long. Maybe you’re just having a great hair-day. It’s these small victories which add up and really contribute to your attitude. When you tell yourself you’re a winner and you deserve to win, its easier to keep your chin up and be hopeful.

  4. Sometimes you ARE the problem

    This is probably the biggest thing I’ve ever had to admit to myself. It’s really hard for me to see past my ego and I hate hearing that I was in the wrong. Especially in an argument where someone is questioning my values. When you’re an honest person, you think that your honesty compensates for all the bad things you may have done/said to another person. For example, you might not be someone who gossips but you may generally have bad opinions of others and you’re not afraid to tell them even if it hurts them. This is not cool. You may come across as a hard ass, but being hurtful is never good. I’ve learnt this through a lot of self-reflection. I really thought about the type of person I am, and the person I want to be, and am striving towards those goals. Yay me!

  5. Life is short

    I think it is very important to have respect for and appreciate the simple things in life. Your life could end at any moment. Do you really want to spend your time on Earth being mad because Shamiema at work said you have a cameltoe? Some of us won’t even be so lucky as to live to see 60, and the sooner you realize that, the easier letting go of toxic thoughts, people and bullshit will become. hashtagmorbidbuttrue.

STEP ONE is to always look inside of yourself. Own your cameltoe booboo.

nayy x ❤

What I’ve learnt about gaslighting.

What is gaslighting? Lemme tell you… its a messed up thing. Gaslighting is when someone manipulates you into thinking you’re always wrong. Gaslighters get into your head and make you question yourself and your entire sense of being.

What I’ve learnt about gaslighters so far:

  • they hardly ever own up to what they did/said
  • they’re always looking for sympathy from people on the outside
  • they will tell other people you are crazy so that when you tell people about their abuse, shit just doesn’t check out.
  • they use your insecurities as a way to manipulate you
  • they always question your memories, for example scrutinizing the way you give your account of what happened and then asking many questions which send you in circles and or/confuse you- you begin to think that you’re delusional
  • they are constantly putting you down, indirectly or directly

What I’ve learnt about gaslightees so far:

  • “i was never like this… i used to be strong/confident etc”
  • they lack trust in themselves and their own decision making ability
  • they apologize more than they should
  • they overthink
  • they feel like they’re not good enough
  • they have trouble being around other people because they think they are inadequate and that people will notice
  • they are unhappy and don’t know why
  • they are, more often than not, very dependent on their gaslighter- be it financially or emotionally, they always turn to their gaslighter for answers.

Experts say that most gaslighters will gaslight their victims intentionally. However, even being unaware of their gaslighting does not make it acceptable because it could still, obviously, be very damaging to their victims. If you are in a relationship where you feel like you are being gaslighted, get out or seek help. Its THAT serious.

More on gaslighting: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/gaslighting-know-it-and-identify-it-protect-yourself